Speaking of First Love and Heartbreak!

First Love?

The one that you first truly have feelings for. One person that you will never forget, their love will leave an imprint on your heart which will be there forever. At the moment you don’t care that you will eventually lose them after a break up because that emotion is amazing. Falling in love was the best thing that has ever happened…

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My Story..

As I remember I fell in love with my first boyfriend when I was 17 years old. We were high school friends and classmates since 1st year to 4th year high. After we graduated from high school he confessed to me and asked me to be his girlfriend. He was courting me for six months. I never had boyfriends before him because I’m afraid plus I am still young. Time came when I’m already fallen for him so I gave it a try, I felt that he loves me because of his actions and effort during the courting stage. As I described him he is sweet, romantic and friendly to everyone.

We were so happy and in love with each other. Everything is so perfect. I am already closed with his family as well as him to mine. I am not that type of girl who gets jealous easily. I supported him in everything that he do, but for me he is not that supportive since he is more sensitive than me. I couldn’t do what I love doing because he doesn’t like it so I got to behave like a barbie. I used to it eventually, him as being a strict boyfriend.

Religion Conflict?

I am a roman catholic and he is a born again Christian. His whole family is devoted to their religious beliefs as well as mine. From the start of our relationship we already talked about this matter that we just have to go with the flow. I goes to their church every Sunday with his family and him didn’t goes to mine. But, his grandmother didn’t appreciate it, she wanted her grandson to have a girlfriend same religion as them. We are still together and happy.

He is a type of guy who serves to their church and I can see him as a future Pastor one day. Sometimes he doesn’t have time for me because he has a ministry that he handles every Sunday. It was okay because I know he served the Lord and I am proud of that. He is so kind and passionate about his service to God.

First Heartbreak..

Aside from being an active advocate to their church we were still a college student. We enrolled in a different universities. We only got each other every after school classes, he fetched me after school and dinner dates before going home.

One day, we got busy with school projects and stuffs. He was texting me he’s with friends and had to go through a group study. So it was okay, some are guys and some are girls. Until he was texting me he was with his girl classmate, they went to study together, they went out to school together, and me? IT WAS ALL OKAY! I didn’t put any malice on those things because of my love and trust with him. I told you I am not that kind of girl who gets jealous easily.

Until time came when he texted me that he already have feelings for that girl who used to be with him every day. I was shattered and couldn’t explain what I felt that time. That was my first heartbreak! We lose communication for a month as I couldn’t understand as to why it happened.  I was lying in bed and crying myself to sleep, listening to heartbreak song. Reading our previous late night convos, happy moments and pictures together. I couldn’t eat. I lose weight. I lose my social life. But life must go on.

After all that heartbreaks, we saw each other again and just like magic we were together again. Crazy right? I don’t know. I just forgave him but this time I have a little bit of jealousy on every girl he will be with.

Second Heart Break..

One year later, a girl from their church had a crush on my boyfriend, I don’t know if my guy has a crush on him too. They were church mate and they got to see each other every time they have a prayer meetings and gatherings related to their church ministry.

As we have history about him, liking another girl. I am now checking his phone’s messages and I was surprised that he is texting to this number which he saved as “Meow”. I had the chance to read their convo’s as he was busy on something, I don’t want him to notice that I am looking through his phone. My heart ache the second time around. Is there something wrong with me? They have endearments, the girl as the “Meow” that represents a cat and him as the “Aww” that represents a dog. My goodness! We as a couple, we just called each other on our names, nothing special. lol What surprises me is that, the girl is calling out on my boyfriend’s phone and I was the one holding it. I answered it without hesitation and without saying “Hello or Hi” I immediately answered it, “This is Mariah, what do you want?”. She just simply said, nothing and dropped the call. Simple!

My hopes are still up! Maybe I was just exaggerating things. So I let it pass even if my heart is aching. I don’t have a strong proof that he is again cheating on me. Until one day, one of his church mate told me something that I don’t want to hear, that my guy was visiting the girl to their house bringing fruits as the girl was sick. WTH! My guy is just a concerned citizen as they were friends but what hurt me most, he doesn’t even told me that he was visiting someone or so. It would be okay if he let me know as I am friends with the girl too. —- I confronted him and asked him if he goes to this girl’s house and he confirmed it that he really went. My heart break the second time around! I even told him about the messages I read through his phone. He has nothing to say but sorry. The whole time was all a sorry and explanation that it was just a friendly chat over and visits. —– Me as a martyr girl, I forgave him the second time. We have no control about our feelings and emotions, it just happens.

The heart forgives but it never forget.

Third Heart Break..

When we were on a vacation together with his family in our home province as we are living in the same province. I stayed to their place and his grandmother didn’t welcome me warmly. It was cold welcoming from his granny. It was okay, while her granny was talking to him, he asked my boyfriend if they were texting to this girl named “Amera” and my boyfriend just said, not yet. In my head, maybe it was just one of their family member so I didn’t asked who is this Amera.

Again, we were happy during the vacation and feels like forgetting the past. We were so in love or it was just the idea of love?

After a few months, we were having problems with our relationship. He asked for a little space since he said he was so busy with his ministry. To make the story short, I gave him all the time he wanted. I stopped communicating with him and didn’t even seen each other for awhile. Until one day, one of my friend from their church asked me what happen to us that she didn’t get to see me every Sunday during masses. So I explain stuff like that. Then she told me that my boyfriend was busy with his phone, texting and smiling while calling someone most of the time. Yes! My friend noticed that. So she asked me if it was me he was talking over the phone then I said no, we haven’t been communicating lately. My heart starts to break into pieces for the third time. But because I am a type of girl who doesn’t react until I have strong evidence.

When the time come that I can no longer ease the pain in my heart as I am experiencing this over and over again. Shocked! I texted him that I want to see him because I miss him and confront him. It was positive that he was talking to another girl. It hurts me but my tears didn’t fall, feels like I am tired of crying and crying for the same reason. I just asked him one thing if he loves the girl and he said yes! Oh my! I didn’t even let him choose between us, because I can no longer afford to get hurt again.

I said goodbye and thank you for all the heartbreak he caused me. We were almost 5 years in relationship that I thought it will work. I didn’t cheat on him, never ever once. Even if there are some guys trying to hit on me, they didn’t even get the chance to know me better as I am faithful to the one I love, thinking that my guy was doing it too. I don’t cheat because I don’t want to be cheated.

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Sometimes in life we thought that the person we love is the one for us that we keep on holding on. I’ve learned my lesson that my love for myself is not enough, imagine how many times I forgive the guy but then again he is breaking my trust. But on the third time was already enough proof that we are not meant to be. If he really loves me then he wouldn’t be falling for someone else. Sometimes I asked myself, is there something wrong with me? Am I not lovely? Do I deserved this kind of heartbreak? Or I just don’t love myself.

I never had a boyfriend since then, yeah! I’ve dated 2 guys after my first boyfriend but still it didn’t work out.

I know someday, somehow, someone will come into my way and prove to me that I deserve to be loved. I deserved respect and faithfulness in a relationship. But when that time comes, I make sure that I am ready to welcome a new love of my life that I can call my forever! I promise to love him and only him. 🙂